What Would San Martin Do?

as a last resort, i am taking my problem regarding intercultural relations to the saints. if anyone would know, it'd be the general. alas, i have a trinity of problems with the male species. the triangle includes a lovesick german, an ex(ish) boyfriend of hebraic descent declaring undying love, and a lusty best friend's boyfriend. what am i to do? your answer promptly, dearest san m.

You need a battle. And some mountains. Three steeds and three kilos of emmentaler. Put the cheese in a narrow and rocky ravine. The pungent allure of the emmentaler will excite the stallions as they bear their mounts ferociously towards their destiny. A great and passionate fracas will ensue for there is no greater desire than that for the cheese. Ultimately the man who has had the foresight to bring biscuits and wine (a Sauvignon Blanc probably, as it will complement the dutch cheese exquisitely) will gallop back to your fortress where you will picnic in bliss. The others, the vanquished, will erect a monument to San Martin.