What Would San Martin Do?

Saint of The Sword (Aries) 21 March - 20 April

Ruling Planet: Tunuyán
Quality: Invincible
Element: Gorgonzola

You might have problems with pesky mutineers this month, but fret not: if you keep you sword sharpened and your pantry stocked with your birth-cheese they will prove no match for you immense glory. Make sure to leave tributes to me every Tuesday this month at 11.32am as this will ensure that members of the opposite sex flock to your granary in search of nourishment. Money matters might be a bit problematic this month, but if you keep your shedule filled with battles you should avoid the tempations which bandits will certainly try to trick you with.

Knight of the Andes (Taurus) 21 April - 21 May

Ruling Planet: Picheuta
Quality: Magnificent
Element: Stilton

You might find yourself lovesick, or worse still constipated, this month: the solution to this problem lies in your pantry. You need to find a bottle of 1862 (the year of the battle of your ruling planet) Malbec and a generous wedge of your birth-cheese and treat yourself to a solitary midnight feast. Depending on your problem, you will either pay a matutinal visit to the John or you will receive an unexpected visit from an alluring stranger (John, perhaps). Money will not be a problem for you: buy lottery tickets, play roulette, bet on cockfights: the Saint is sure to smile on you this month.

Protector of Peru (Gemini) 22 May - 21 June

Ruling Planet: Maipú
Quality: Imperial
Element: Head Cheese

Routine may be getting you down, you need to shake things up a bit: seek battles beyond your backyard, vanquishing Jesuits can become tedious so maybe a bit of fist to fist combat with Shaka will thrust you out of your present rut. Also, instead of always snacking on Head Cheese and Salticrax you should find yourself some Saladix (available at all Andean convenience stores) to go with your birth-cheese. The love-sector of your life will probably prove turbulent this month: you will just have to look to me for guidance (have midday picnics beneath my monuments) and you will be sure to steer yourself through these choppy waters.

Big Hero of Freedom (Cancer) 22 June - 23 July

Ruling Planet: Uspallata
Quality: Regal
Element: Jarlsberg

Feel like there´s a hole in your pocket? Don`t be perturbed, your fortunes are about to change. All you need to do is smear your credit card in a paste of Jarlsberg and ciabatta-crumbs and the Bonaza will begin. Often when there is a surplus of material wealth one becomes emotionally bankrupt, so you will need to tread softly to avoid this pitfall. I suggest your take a lot of care with your armoury: sharpen your swords, keep your chainmail well-oiled, moisten your saddle with earwax...you never know when you`ll be expected to perform.

Smiter of the Viceroyalty (Leo) 24 July - 23 August

Ruling Planet: Boulogne sur Mer
Quality: Unbeatable
Element: (Lumpy) Cottage Cheese

You might be feeling a bit down, maybe even wanting to plunge sternum-first onto your bayonet in a symbolic statement of protest. All the Smiter can say is "Don`t, you fool!" The light is just around the corner of the tunnel or some similar mixed metahpor, so get stuck into it and start making some cottage cheese. It`s not difficult (all you have to do is leave a bottle of milk out of the fridge for a few days) and it will certainly reap rewards. Sex, money, happiness and fame...all of these will wash over you in a lumpy wheyish delrirum!
Lord of War (Virgo) 24 August - 23 September
Ruling Planet: Tandil
Quality: Divine
Element: Feta